How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
