Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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