Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
