Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
