Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
