Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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