Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
