I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
