i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
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sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
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I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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