i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
