My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
