someone get that fucking seahorse.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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