im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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