I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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