it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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