I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
