69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
