I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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