I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
