booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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