Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place