we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
