You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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