he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
operation have a gay friend backfired
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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