I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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