The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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