Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
It was like getting head from an anaconda
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
