I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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