I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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