Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
