I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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