Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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