I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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