Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
