Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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