No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
