I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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