its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Bring me that man meat
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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