So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
