im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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