she's into porn, im staying here tonight
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
