so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
