New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
