I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
