peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
