you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
