I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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