I cannot find my penis.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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