I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
