We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize