In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
