We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
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I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
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At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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