I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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