1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
