dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
