oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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