Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
