I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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