She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
