You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
