well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
