This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Randomize
