his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
